When things just don't work out...

At the start of October I had no orders at all for the whole month for one of my jobs. This is always a tough position for me as although I am self employed I do rely solely on one companys work - it's a long story, but that's the way it is.

I decided it was the ideal opportunity to make a start on a project for this blog to give you all a simple free pattern project that is very season specific - and really wasn't overly relevant after the end of the month.

I made a great start! I made my mock up patterns, cut out the fabrics, made samples, photographed them, worked on the instructions, and made a start on the PDF that people could download for free...

Then, 1 week before the end of the month we had school half term. I planned out my time to work, booked my son into various activities we could all go on - I was very exited to publish the post. 

Then...I hit a brick wall with the PDF, it just wouldn't work, I followed instructions, swore, cried, and shouted a lot...but I felt sure I could sort it out in time - but - the company I do the work for suddenly had an emergency order...4 days before the end of the month! 

I was kind of grateful for the work, it meant a small amount of money would be available for December, but it also meant that I just wouldn't get my pattern published in time! 

I was a mess - this is something I have learned is probably due to my ADHD - As always I was in denyal about how much time and effort the project would take, I have done this all my life but now I know why. I overestimate my abilities and I find it hard to make the time to do the things I love doing because I get so easily distracted and assume that because something has instructions on YouTube it will automatically translate to what I am doing - how often do you follow instructions that say "click on the button on the bottom right side" only to find that in your version of the program or app there is no button!

Now I understand why so many industries work 2 or 3 or even 4 seasons in advance! - I have things I would love to have a virtual shop set up and my first kits for sale by the end of November - but in reality I think I need to be working on plans for next Christmas - but I also know that if I decide to do that, I may well procrastinate so much that in 12 months time I will be in the same position I am now. 

I have been reflecting on why I have always struggled with consistency in the one area of self employment that I have wanted to do more than any other all my life, compared to my other "self employed" work, and I think I have figured it out...

Currently I have two self employed roles. The first as I mentioned is order dependant - I get an order and a deadline - I get to chose when I do the work so it fits in around childcare, school, etc etc but ultimately has to be done by a certain date or I don't get paid and that is what motivates me to do it. I don't enjoy the job, but it fits with my life at the moment.

The second job is actually a franchise that I am tied into working on a certain day at a certain time every week of the year. The income fluctuates massively seasonally and sometimes even weekly. I actually enjoy running the sessions each week, and the fact that it is a structured, unmovable event also means that I have to do it, or I don't get paid. 

But - my dream has always been to do my own thing, to make, sell, teach, enable people with my textiles. To be free to work and fit it into my life, to do the things I am passionate about, to be in control of my projects and time...but without those deadlines, those set in stone sessions, and with no one but myself to be answerable to, it feels like everything is out to stop me, to get in my way, to drain my time and energy - and it doesn't matter how structured my plans are at the start of the week, an email, opening social media, a request for help from a parent, a TV show, basically anything at all will draw my attention and before I know it 3 hours have passed and I have done nothing, or I sit there feeling paralysed by other tasks that grab my attention, like the bathroom needing a clean, or a pile of things for the charity shop that have sat there for month. I end up feeling I can't do one job until I have done another, and do neither! 

In January I may have to give up my franchise to fit around my sons school timetable, which to be honest I will be glad to leave, and Juicyfig I am hoping will help replace some of that lost income - but knowing my own mind like I do, I am already panicking - I know technically I will have more time to do my JF work, but I also know how easily that time will just evaporate if I let it.