But - now I understand why my blog is so intermittent - and why it wasn't so intermittent when I started it - and why it may or may not be intermittent in the future...
About a year ago my sons school suspected he may had ADHD and so we set the wheels in motion to get him assessed. While we were waiting for appointments I naturally decided I needed to learn more about ADHD, the signs, symptoms and possible treatments, and while doing this research realised that they also applied to myself - so I asked my GP for a referral for myself. In January my son was diagnosed and his pediatrician suggested he may also be Autistic, and so the assessment for that too began. In February this year I too was diagnosed with ADHD and again my Dr suggested I too am probably Autistic, so again I researched this and although I have no official diagnosis I am 100% certain I am.
To be honest my feeling have been quite polarised around my own diagnosis.
Firstly I feel a sense of relief, suddenly my life makes sense! Then I felt anger at all the misdiagnosed symptoms I have had from medical professionals who have fobbed me off with shrugged shoulders and a "just get on with it" attitude at times, and medications that were entirely inappropriate. Anger at the schools and colleges I attended who never spotted why I was struggling in certain areas etc.
It explains why I have had so many diverse jobs, why I hyper focus on one activity to the exclusivity of all others until the hyper focus evaporates and I move on to the next subject or back to a previous one and why every single new hobby becomes a viable business in my head pushing out the last viable business I had planned.
It explains why I procrastinate at life by studying rather than doing. It explains why my house is always messy and needing cleaning, my sudden meltdowns and angry outburst, my wild mood swings as my hormones battle with my body and my body and minds craving for the dopamine it lacks
Explanations and realisations are just a part of the journey though, tools to help are something else! I am trying the ADHD medication myself now - I am in what is know as the Titration phase, working with my doctor to get the right medication at the right dose, and figuring out just how it is supposed to make me feel and behave, I am finding when it works it is helping to calm me down and do more, but as to focus? Well, I'm not so sure...
People ask me what it's like having ADHD because I don't seam hyperactive...
I do have bouts of hyperactive activity but for me (and many females with it) the hyperactivity is in my head. Imagine being in a room with the walls covered in TV's and every one is on, and every one is on a different channel and they all demand your attention...its a bit like that! When the hyper focus hits, all that is still going on but muted a little while you obsess over your hyper focus subject, it is all you want to think about, all you want to do, all you want to talk about to anyone who will (or won't) listen.
There are so many layers to it, and more becomes apparent every day.
And so, now I need to move forward and grow in a new way that supports and works with my mind. I have a lifetimes experiences to draw on, and with this new revelation I can look at those experiences and work in a new way that doesn't fight those impulses but embraces them, making the most of the hyperfocus, recognising the signs of overwhelm and having a protocol in place to rest without guilt, and I am learning to say "no" to people rather than taking everything on because people know I can't say no and take advantage of me.
If you look back through this blog, you will know that the only thing I have ever really wanted to do it create and make, textiles, food, friends - I have been my own worst enemy at succeeding in this, but I am working on a plan that will work with my hyperfocus, not against it!
I am not rushing into this like I usually do, I am getting advice, making plans, learning what I can do and what I can ask for help and support with, I am learning to deligate! (I have been accused of being a control freak!) and who knows, I may even blog more.
I would love to hear from you, your thoughts and experiences.
Big love to you all, K x
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